accountability is a (necessary) bitch
holy cow.
hi.
I'm happy to be here.
which - now, I see - is a place I haven't been in 14 months. not that I'm a genius in math or anything - but I did the calculations, and that's two months more than a year. two more months than a year. a long time. too long.
when I started this newsletter, in April 2018, I started it to have a place to write about my writing. I love writing my writing, and sharing it - but this was a place I intended to write about my writing. about its importance, its progress, its necessity to me.
and would-you-look-at-that, I stopped letting it take precedence. I tried to sever the umbilical cord. I feed the writing; the writing feeds me.
**
I'm not scared of honesty. I crave it; it both excites me and soothes me. all the hard true stuff, too. the hard truths soothe me more than the easy ones, in all actuality. I become so honored that someone would show me the dark that all I end up seeing is light.
**
so here we go. I have some truths to offer up to you.
in September of last year, I went to a literary conference in New York City. the conference had the usual conference offerings: panels from 8am to 5pm, cafeteria lunches, a chance to connect (if you're super-social) with other writers, et cetera.
this conference had something else, too. the option to pay for fifteen-minute sessions with literary agents.
the deal: prior to the day of the meeting, you send along a pre-written query letter.
their job: critique your query letter. pull it apart. tell you where it lacked and where it shone, and help you whittle that puppy into something better, so that it could turn into a sparkly little letter someday that would catch the eye of agents everywhere, and convince them to respond to your cold-call email that says: "hey! I wrote a book! you should read it!" with a "hey; actually - this sounds pretty good, please go ahead and send your book to me."
so in order to meet with the agents I needed a query letter but I didn't have a query letter. I also wasn't sure how to write one.
I would have thought that I would have known more about a query letter prior to this conference last September but the reason I didn't is because I had not arrived at the point of believing that I was a writer whose writing could merit a book. and if I don't believe my writing could merit a book then why would I find out how to write a query letter when the purpose of a query letter is to pique an agent's interest in your book?
anyway. I sign up for the conference. I get a scholarship! so I celebrate that and then I check on the price of the agent sessions. $100 a piece. I check the available credit on my debit card and my credit card. I have $100 on my debit card until next payday. I have $200 on my credit card until they literally will not allow me to borrow any more money, and at, after adding in all the years it will take me to repay my max, I will probably pay closer to $200 per agent session than $100. STILL. then I research the shit out of the agents -- the kinds of books they usually represent, their firms -- and pick three. then I empty my checking account and max out my credit card on a couple fifteen-minute meetings with real-life literary agents in real-life New York City.
then, and only then -- do I google, How to Write a Query Letter
I put the cart before the horse. it was the only way I was ever going to move, really. it's always been that way for me.
**
I found someone in Madison that was available for hire -- an author -- who would help me with the query letter. I decided not to tell Nic about the price of the agent sessions, nor the price of hiring her. I decided to let my instinct and my balls-to-the-wall idiotic approach towards money lead me.
she told me I had to make a rough draft, and that she would then help me shape it. but that she couldn't, essentially, create a query letter for me. in telling her the subject of my book for her to create a query letter, I would essentially be creating the very query. the query could only originate from me.
so I wrote a draft. a proclamation, in written form, that I was attempting to validate my writing by sending it to people who validate, and then sell -- writing.
that query letter may have been the heaviest thing I have ever written.
it was so hopeful.
**
the author wrote me back. well, honey - you kinda did it - she said - you wrote a very good query. I'd take out the part where you sound like you have no self-esteem, and I'd add in an accomplishment or two - but you really kinda did it. edit it to reflect my notes above, and send it off to the agents.
**
before the conference, the organizer sent out a couple emails to anyone who had registered for agent meetings. she wanted to remind us that the query feedback meeting should not be confused with or mistaken for feedback on our actual book, and/or an opportunity to forge a relationship with an agent. the meeting was a paid chance for an agent to essentially help you get an agent -- in the future. by tightening up your query letter so that it gave you a better chance of catching an agent's eye.
**
I almost decided not to go, you know. just because. because there was too much hope in my body. too much wishing in my chest. too much wanting for me to feel comfortable. I almost decided to just let all those costs be sunk costs, and to stay at home.
I heard the part of me from deep inside - the part of me that loves me more than the part of me that hates me - and it said: pack your best outfit and and get on the plane, Kelly. don't you dare take this away from yourself.
**
I ended up meeting with four agents. (I saw the name of a woman I'd heard speak at a conference show up on the agent list two weeks before the conference. by that time, I had another $100 in my checking account and I quickly booked a session with her, too. she had been absolutely magnetic on a panel I'd attended a few years before. it felt cosmic.)
here's what happened in New York City:
one of the agents told me that my query letter was the BEST QUERY SHE RECEIVED out of all the conference attendees.
one of the agents told me that - not only was it one of the best queries she received out of the conference attendees - but that it was ONE OF THE BEST QUERY LETTERS SHE HAD EVER SEEN.
all four agents asked me to send them my book when it was complete.
I walked out to a sunny sidewalk in Brooklyn, picked up my phone, called Nic, and started bawling.
**
I was months away from finishing the book, and had no promise from anyone that they would eventually represent me -- but what I had was invaluable, and worth every penny of the real money and borrowed money I used to get to the table. What I had was solid interest in the book I was writing -- and accountability.
no longer was I sitting at home with a word doc in my hands that no one knew about, or that no one wanted. these women told me to email me them that word doc when it was complete.
**
I folded my hands in gratitude to God, and I thanked him. for giving me the accountability to myself to have done the necessary steps to get to that conference - and for the new accountability to the agents.
then I went home. I told a couple people very close to me what happened. I always had to talk in a voice that is quieter than the voice I usually speak in. I always cried. the weight of the truth was almost too heavy for me. I wasn't full of shit. I wasn't a non-writer. I was a writer. a valid writer. with a VALID ASS QUERY. with a valid ass book, hopefully. with valid ass agents that wanted to hear back from me.
then I got so quiet I almost buried me. I decided that -- even though these agents had said they wanted more communication from me -- if the world around me didn't know -- I could remove all traces of accountability. I could act like I had never heard any of their words. Like I didn't stand on that sidewalk, sobbing with my phone in my hand, feeling like the earth had opened up for me. I decided that I could sever the accountability.
**
but now I'm here telling you. and re-telling me.
I want to be accountable to the world, to the earth that opened up that day, to the agents. I want to be accountable to you.
I have been choosing to believe that my writing won't be valid. I have been choosing the dark path of not allowing my writing to take precedence or priority.
I am going to acknowledge the dark place I have been living in. I haven't been working on finishing the book with the kind of diligence that honors any truths. I've been choosing to do workouts and photoshoots of my dog and to scroll endlessly on Instagram instead. do you know why? because I'm scared. I'm scared of getting one step closer and then feeling invalidated. maybe none of those four agents will want to represent me, after all. maybe one will and I won't be sure she's the agent for me. maybe I'll have a perfect agent relationship, and she won't be able to sell the book. maybe it will sell, but never really get published. maybe it will get published an no one will read it, or no one will care.
it doesn't matter. those are all valid fears. but none of those fears are more valid than my truth. than my writing.
so I have to go now. I have so much editing to do. and so much hoping.
kelly